Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three parts which are still under development.

Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.

A failure will not appear till a unit has passed final inspection.

If you can't fix it -- document it.

The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman. 

  :)  ------------------------------------------------------------------- :)

Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a
conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and
watched as the three engineers bought only a single ticket. "How are three
people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an accountant. "Watch and
you'll see," answered an engineer. They all boarded the train. The
accountants took their respective seats, but all three engineers crammed into
a restroom and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed,
the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please." The door opened just a crack and a single arm
emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on. The
accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the
conference, the accountants decided to copy the engineers on the return trip
and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their
astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to
travel without a ticket?" said one perplexed accountant. "Watch and you'll
see," answered an engineer. When they boarded the train, the three
accountants crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into
another nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers

left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."   :)  ------------------------------------------------------------------- :)  A computer programmer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on an airplane. The programmer leans over to the engineer and asks if he wants to play a fun game. The engineer just wants to sleep, so he politely declines, turns away, and tries to sleep. The programmer persists, saying that it's a real easy game. He explains, "I ask a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5." Again, the engineer politely declines and tries to sleep. The programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "O.K., if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5; and if I don't know the answer, I pay you $50!" That gets the engineer's attention, so he agrees to play the game. The programmer asks the first questions. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The engineer doesn't say a word, and just hands the programmer $5. Now it's the engineer's turn. He asks the programmer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four?" The programmer looks at him with a puzzled expression, takes out his laptop computer, looks through all his references, and after about an hour wakes the engineer and hands the engineer $50. The engineer politely takes the $50, turns away, and tries to return to sleep. The programmer, a little miffed, asks, "Well, what's the answer to the question?" Without a word, the engineer reaches into his wallet, hands $5 to the programmer, turns away, and returns to sleep.   :)  ------------------------------------------------------------------- :) An Engineering Student, a Physics Student, and a Mathematics student were each given $150 dollars and were told to use that money to find out exactly how tall a particular hotel was. All three ran off, extremely keen on how to do this. The Physics student went out, purchased some stopwatches, a number of ball bearings, a calculator, and got some friends. He had them all time the drop of ball bearings from the roof, and he then figured out the height from the time it took for the bearings to accelerate from rest until they impacted with the sidewalk. The Math student waited until the sun was going down, then she took out her protractor, plumb line, measuring tape, and scratch pad, measured the length of the shadow, found the angle the buildings roof made from the ground, and used trigonometry to figure out the height of the building. These two students bumped into the Engineering student the next day, who was nursing a really bad hangover. When asked what he did to find the height of the building he replied: "Well, I walked up to the bell hop, gave him 10 bucks, asked him how tall the hotel was, and hit the bar inside for happy hour!"   :)  ------------------------------------------------------------------- :) Now there were those three guys, a priest, a doctor and an engineer, and they were playing golf. But the group before them was extremely slow and at each hole they waited hours. Finally the priest asked around, why was that other group was so slow? He was told that they were very courageous firemen who saved the golf course a couple of years ago from a terrible fire, in which they all lost their sight. As a proof of appreciation they were given the right to play on the course whenever they wanted. They like that a lot, but being blind they are just not too good at hitting the ball, let alone finding it after it's hit. The priest said, "Oh my this is terrible. Tonight I'll say a little prayer for these courageous souls." The doctor heard that and said "Don't worry dude. I'll send them to a friend of mine, he's an ophthalmologist and he works wonders." The engineer said "Wait. Why can't they just play by night ?"     :)  ------------------------------------------------------------------- :) There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all mechanical things. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later his company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day he marked a small X in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where your problem is!" The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his services. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark .. ..... ..... $1 Knowing where to put it ..... $49,999.   :)  ------------------------------------------------------------------- :) Q: What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? A: Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.    :)  ------------------------------------------------------------------- :) An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer. You're in the wrong place, fella." So the engineer disappointedly reports to the gates of Hell wondering what he had done to deserve this. Pretty soon, having accepted his fate, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day, God calls Satan up on His telepathic connection and asks, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next. We're having a wonderful time." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gotten down there. Send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"    :)  ------------------------------------------------------------------- :)   Mind Games There is a glass half full of water. The mathematician says: "The glass is half full" The physicist says: "The glass is half empty"; The Engineer says: "The glass is too big" There is a half glass of scotch on a table. The Arts student says that it symbolizes unfulfilled emotions. The Science student starts calculating the exact percentage full.. The Engineering student goes up to the glass, drinks the scotch and asks, "What's the question?"    :)  ------------------------------------------------------------------- :) Top 10 reasons to date an Engineer 1.The world does revolve around them...they choose the coordinate system. 2.No "couple" enjoy a better "moment" 3.They know how to handle stress and strain in a relationship. 4.They have significant figures. 5.EK301: The motion of rigid bodies. 6.Projectile motion: Do we need to say more? 7.Engineers do it to specification. 8.According to Newton, if two bodies interact, their forces are equal and opposite. 9.They know it's not the length of the vector that counts, but how you apply the force. 10.They know the right hand rule.    :)  ------------------------------------------------------------------- :) Top Ten Reasons to Date an Engineer 1.Complimentary Tutoring 2.Large Earning Potential 3.Can handle stress and strain in relationships 4.Know all the dynamics of relative motion 5.Learn about the benefits of friction and viscosity 6.FREE body diagrams 7.Always back up their hard drives 8.Trained to do it right the first time 9.Specialized in experimentation 10.Can go all night with no hint of fatigue    :)  ------------------------------------------------------------------- :) Back in the 60's, a jet manufacturer was trying to build a jet that would go mach 4 (4 times the speed of sound for you non-aeronautical types). Finally after many years of design, the jet was finished. A test pilot took it out for it's maiden flight. Everyone gathered around ... and the plane went to Mach1 ... Mach2 ... Mach3 ... Mach3.5 ... and the wings ripped off, the plan hit the ground and killed the test pilot. the engineers went back to the design and spent months re-vamping it. They came out with the new and improved second version, but when they tested it, it had the same disastrous results: the plane's wings ripped off and the pilot was killed in the crash. The engineers went through 7 iterations, until finally they were about to give up. They decided to contact Bob, a retired engineer with the reputation of being able to fix all problems. Bob comes in, asks to see all the design figures, charts, and drawings, and takes them home to study them. He calls the next day and says he has discovered a solution to the problem: drill holes vertically through the wings at the exact spot where they attach to the body. At first everyone argues - the wings are ripping off now, why drill holes to them? but Bob insists that it will work. So eventually, they give in and do it. The jet is tested later that day and not only does it reach Mach4, but it goes to Mach5.3 before the test is declared over and successful. All the engineers rush to Bob and congratulate him for his uncanny ability to discover the solution. "How did you know?" asks one of the engineers. "Well, I'll tell you. I was on the toilet, and it occurred to me - toilet paper never tears on the perforations."   :)  ------------------------------------------------------------------- :) You Might Be An Engineer If..... you have half-broken objects in your house that you refuse to throw away with the hope that you can someday fix them. you spend time looking at house hold products trying to devise a method for improvement. you actually buy technical books. you think that your way is the best way to do everything and constantly challenge ideas. you solder tools together to form new objects. you constantly inform people that the ships in Star Wars should all be silent in space. ...and pick out other faults in movies regarding machines. you tell people that time travel is impossible. ...minutes later you think of how you would build a time machine. you know "natural frequency" has nothing to do   :)  ------------------------------------------------------------------ :)   A physician, a civil engineer, and a consultant were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the world. The physician remarked, "Well, in the Bible, it says that God created Eve from a rib taken out of Adam. This clearly required surgery, and so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest profession in the world." The civil engineer interrupted, and said, "But even earlier in the book of Genesis, it states that God created the order of the heavens and the earth from out of the chaos. This was the first and certainly the most spectacular application of civil engineering. Therefore, fair doctor, you are wrong: mine is the oldest profession in the world." The consultant leaned back in her chair, smiled, and then said confidently, "Ah, but who do you think created the chaos?"   An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "Don't try these techniques at home." "Why not?" asked somebody from the audience. "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the fridge, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, "You're wasting too much time. Why don't you try carrying several things at once?" "Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked. "Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in ten."   :)  ------------------------------------------------------------------- :) The chickens in a large hen house started to quarrel, wounded each other and many of them died every day. The upset farmer hurried to a consultant, and asked for a solution to his problem. "Add baking-powder to the chickens' food," said the consultant, "it will calm them down." After a week the farmer came back to the consultant and said: "My chickens continue to die. What shall I do?" "Add strawberry juice to their drinking water, that will help for sure". A week passed, and again the farmer came to the consultant: "My chickens are still quarrelling. Do you have some more advice?" "I can give you more and more advice," answered the consultant. "The real question is whether you have more chickens."    :)  ------------------------------------------------------------------- :) The classified ad said, "Wanted: CEO needs a one armed consultant, with a social sciences degree and five years of experience." The man who won the job asked, "I understand most of the qualifications you required, but why 'one armed'?" The CEO answered, "I have had many consultants, and I am tired of hearing with each advice the phrase 'on the other hand'."   :)  ------------------------------------------------------------------- :) A priest, a rabbi and a consultant were traveling on an airplane. There was a crisis and it was clear that the plane was going to crash and they would all be killed. The priest began to pray and finger his rosary beads, the rabbi began to read the Torah and the consultant began to organize a committee on air traffic safety.   :)  ------------------------------------------------------------------ :)  Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear from your Consultant 1.      You're right; we're billing way too much for this. 2.      Bet you I can go a week without saying "synergy" or "value-added". 3.      How about paying us based on the success of the project? 4.      This whole strategy is based on a Harvard business case I read. 5.      Actually, the only difference is that we charge more than they do. 6.      I don't know enough to speak intelligently about that. 7.      Implementation? I only care about writing long reports. 8.      I can't take the credit. It was Ed in your marketing department. 9.      The problem is, you have too much work for too few people. 10.  Everything looks okay to me. You really don't need me.   :)  ------------------------------------------------------------------- :) Hiring consultants to conduct studies can be an excellent means of turning problems into gold, your problems into their gold.   :)  ------------------------------------------------------------------- :)   There was a glass of water on the table... One man says, "It's half full". He is an optimist. Second man says, "It's half empty". He is a pessimist. Third man says, "It's twice too big". He is a management consultant.   :)  ------------------------------------------------------------------- :) A consultant is ... ·  someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time. ·  a man who knows 99 ways to make love, but doesn't know any women. ·  someone who is called in at the last moment and paid enormous amounts of money to assign the blame.   :)  ------------------------------------------------------------------- :) Consulting Revisited Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example. Always listen to experts. They'll tell what can't be done and why. Then do it. It takes two things to be a consultant - grey hair and hemorrhoids. The grey hair makes you look distinguished and the hemorrhoids make you look concerned. In case of doubt, make it sound convincing. An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less, until he knows absolutely everything about nothing. To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most. After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done. If you consult enough experts, you can confirm any opinion. How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb? We don't know. They never get past the feasibility study. Three. One to change the bulb and two to write the standards and tell him what he did wrong. Five. One to change the bulb and four to contemplate how Tom Peters would have done it. Five. One to change the bulb and four to tell him how much better they could have done it.   :)  ------------------------------------------------------------------- :) You Might Be a Consultant if...     you ask the waiter what the restaurant's core competencies are. you decide to reorganize your family into a "team-based organization." you think that it's actually efficient to write a ten page paper with six other people you don't know. you believe you never have any problems in your life, just "issues" and "improvement opportunities." you explain to your bank manager that you prefer to think of yourself as "highly leveraged" as opposed to "in debt." you can explain the difference between "down-sizing," "right-sizing," and "firing people's arses," and you actually believe your explanation.      you can spell "paradigm" and you actually know what a paradigm is.   :)  ------------------------------------------------------------------- :) Salesman: This computer will cut your workload by 50%. Office Manager: That's great, I'll take two of them.   :)  ------------------------------------------------------------------- :)   A software manager, a hardware manager, and a marketing manager are driving to a meeting when a tire blows. They get out of the car and look at the problem. The software manager says, "I can't do anything about this - it's a hardware problem." The hardware manager says, "Maybe if we turned the car off and on again, it would fix itself." The marketing manager says, "Hey, 75% of it is working - let's ship it!"   :)  ------------------------------------------------------------------- :) A salesman who was out on his territory had a heart attack in his motel room and died. The motel manager called the salesman's company and related the tragedy to the sales manager. The sales manager received the news in a nonchalant manner and told the motel manager, "Return his samples by freight and search his pants for orders."   :)  ------------------------------------------------------------------- :)   How can you tell when a salesperson is lying? His lips are moving.   :)  ------------------------------------------------------------------- :) The Dictionary: what hi-tech salespeople say and what they mean by it New: Different color from previous design. All new: Parts not interchangeable with previous design. Unmatched: Almost as good as the competition. Designed simplicity: Manufacturer's cost cut to the bone. Foolproof operation: No provision for adjustments. Advanced design: The advertising agency doesn't understand it. Field-tested: Manufacturer lacks test equipment. High accuracy: Unit on which all parts fit. Direct sales only: Factory had big argument with distributor. Years of development: We finally got one that works. Revolutionary: It's different from our competitors. Breakthrough: We finally figured out a way to sell it. Improved: Didn't work the first time. Futuristic: No other reason why it looks the way it does. Distinctive: A different shape and color than the others. Re-designed: Previous faults corrected, we hope. Hand-crafted: Assembly machines operated without gloves on. Performance proven: Will operate through the warranty period. Meets all standards: Ours, not yours. Broadcast quality: Gives a picture and produces noise. High reliability: We made it work long enough to ship it. SMPTE bus compatible: When completed, will be shipped by Greyhound. New generation: Old design failed, maybe this one will work. MIL-SPEC components: We got a good deal at a government auction. Customer service across the country: You can return it from most airports. Unprecedented performance: Nothing we ever had before worked this way. Built to precision tolerances: We finally got it to fit together. Microprocessor controlled: Does things we can't explain. Latest aerospace technology: One of our techs was laid off by Boeing.   :)  ------------------------------------------------------------------- :) How many salespeople does it take to change a light bulb? None. "You don't need a new light bulb - you need to upgrade your socket to the newest version." Just one, but it'll take technical support weeks to sort out the mess left behind. Four. One to change the bulb and three to pull the chair out from under him.   :)  ------------------------------------------------------------------- :)   You Might Be a Salesperson if...     you refer to dating as test marketing. when you bought a new house you called your fellow alumni and offered to name a room after them, if they'll help with the down payment. your favorite stories begin "Bob Jones, VP of marketing, sat at his desk and stared out his window..." when you give your son his birthday present, you must say that it has an "unprecedented performance". when you describe a product as "maintenance-free" you mean that it is impossible to fix it.      you insist that you do some more market research before you and your spouse produce another child.   :)  ------------------------------------------------------------------- :) Four engineers were sitting around one day trying to figure out who might have designed the human body. The first fellow says "I think it might be a Mechanical Engineer, because of joints and muscle and sense of balance." The other three nod there heads and say "Yeah, could be." The second fellow says "I think it might be an Electrical Engineer, because of the nervous system and neural network." The other three nod there heads and say "Yeah, could be." The third fellow says "I think it might be a Chemical Engineer, because of hormonal balances and metabolism." The other three nod there heads and say "Yeah, could be." The fourth fellow snaps his fingers and shouts out "I know, it HAD to have been a Civil engineer!" The other three ask "Why?" "Well" says the fourth fellow, "who else would put a waste water drainage right through a recreational area!"    :)  ------------------------------------------------------------------- :)   Real Engineers... 1. Real Engineers consider themselves well dressed if their socks match. 2. Real Engineers buy their spouses a set of matched screwdrivers for their birthday. 3. Real Engineers wear mustaches or beards for "efficiency". Not because they're lazy. 4. Real engineers have a non-technical vocabulary of 800 words. 5. Real Engineers think a "biting wit" is their fox terrier. 6. Real Engineers know the second law of thermodynamics - but not their own shirt size. 7. Real Engineers repair their own cameras, telephones, televisions, watches, and automatic transmissions. 8. Real Engineers say "It's 70 degrees Fahrenheit, 25 degrees Celsius, and 298 degrees Kelvin" and all you say is "Isn't it a nice day" 9. Real Engineers give you the feeling you're having a conversation with a dial tone or busy signal. 10. Real Engineers wear badges so they don't forget who they are. Sometimes a note is attached saying "Don't offer me a ride today. I drove my own car". 11. Real Engineers' politics run towards acquiring a parking space with their name on it and an office with a window. 12. Real Engineers know the "ABC's of Infrared" from A to B. 13. Real Engineers rotate their tires for laughs. 14. Real Engineers will make four sets of drawings (with seven revisions) before making a bird bath. 15. Real Engineers' briefcases contain a Phillips screwdriver, a copy of "Quantum Physics", and a half of a peanut butter sandwich. 16. Real Engineers know that Halloween is really the same as Christmas, because OCT 31 = DEC 25. (If you _don't_ get it, then you're not a Real Engineer.) 17. Real Engineers don't find the above at all funny.   :)  ------------------------------------------------------------------- :) 31 Signs That Technology Has Taken Over Your Life 1. Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty's address book. The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded that the first page of any letter you write *is* letterhead. 2. You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz. 3. You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can't because there isn't one typewriter in your house -- only computers with laser printers. 4. You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you forget to send your father a birthday card. 5. You disdain people who use low baud rates. 6. When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers -- and you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty minutes answering the customers' questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head. 7. You use the phrase "digital compression" in a conversation without thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it. 8. You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the phrase "digital compression." Everyone understands what you mean, and you are not surprised or disappointed that you don't have to explain it. 9. You know Bill Gates' e-mail address, but you have to look up your own social security number. 10. You stop saying "phone number" and replace it with "voice number," since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged into contraptions that talk to other contraptions. 11. You sign Christmas cards by putting :-) next to your signature. 12. Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever than :-). 13. You back up your data every day. 14. Your wife asks you to pick up some mini pads for her at the store and you return with a rest for your mouse. 15. You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid. 16. On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels. 17. The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely enters your mind. 18. You are able to argue persuasively the Ross Perot's phrase "electronic town hall" makes more sense than the term "information superhighway," but you don't because, after all, the man still uses hand-drawn pie charts. 19. You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit hall in advance. But you cannot give someone directions to your house without looking up the street names. 20. You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon. 21. You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you something, but you think it's okay for a computer to call and demand that you start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more information about the product it is selling. 22. You know without a doubt that disks come in five-and-a- quarter-and three-and-a-half-inch sizes. 23. Al Gore strikes you as an "intriguing" fellow. 24. You own a set of itty-bitty screw-drivers and you actually know where they are. 25. While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia surgeries, you compare mouse-induced index-finger strain with a nine-year-old. 26. You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to say "I don't know" when someone asks you a technology question instead of feeling compelled to make something up. 27. You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires. 28. You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal. 29. You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions about which is better -- the track ball or the track *pad*. 30. You understand all the jokes in this message. If so, my friend, technology has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own good, that you go lie under a tree and write a haiku. And don't use a laptop. 31. You email this message to your friends over the net. You'd never get around to showing it to them in person or reading it to them on the phone.   :) -------------------------------------------------------------------- :)   The Stranded Engineer An engineer was enjoying his very first vacation ever, relaxing on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. It was wonderful, the experience of his life. He was being waited on hand and foot. But a hurricane came up, and the ship went down--almost instantly. The man found himself, he knew not how, swept up on the shore of an island. There was nothing else anywhere to be seen. No person, no supplies, nothing. The man looked around. There were some bananas and coconuts, but that was it. He was desperate, and forlorn, but decided to make the best of it. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and mostly looked to the sea hoping for a ship to come to his rescue. One day, as he was lying on the beach stroking his beard and looking for a ship, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. Could it be true, was it a ship? No. From around the corner of the island came a rowboat. But in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, or at least seen in four months. She was tall, tanned, and her blond hair flowing in the sea breeze gave her an almost ethereal quality. She spotted him waving and yelling and screaming to get her attention and rowed her boat towards him. In disbelief, he asked, "Where did you come from? How did you get here"? She said, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed on this island when my cruise ship sank" "Amazing", he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? Where, did you get the rowboat? Wow, you were really lucky to have a rowboat wash-up with you!" "It is only me", she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up, nothing else did." "Well then", said the man, "how did you get the rowboat?" "I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island", replied the woman. "The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from Palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree". "But," asked the man, "what about tools and hardware, how did you do that?" "Oh, no problem," replied the woman, "on the south side of the island there is a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock exposed. I found that If I fired it in my kiln it would melt into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But, enough of that", she said. "Where do you live?" The man was forced to confess that he had been sleeping on the beach. "Well, let's row over to my place," she said. So they both got into the rowboat and left for her side of the island. The woman rowed them around to a wharf that led to the approach to her place. She tied up the rowboat with a beautifully woven hemp rope. They walked up a stone walk and around a Palm tree, there stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. "It's not much," she said, "but I call it home. Sit down please, would you like to have a drink?" "No, said the man, one more coconut juice and I will puke." "Oh, it won't be coconut juice," the woman replied, "I have a still, how about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After a while exchanging stories, the woman asked, "Have you always had a beard?" "No, I was clean shaven all of my life, even on the cruise ship" he replied. "Well if you would like to shave, there is a man's razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom." The man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle, two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. The man shaved, showered and went back down stairs. "You look great," said the woman, "I think I will go up and slip into something more comfortable." So she did. The man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman returned wearing fig leafs strategically positioned and smelling faintly of gardenia. "Tell me," she asked, "we have both been out here for a very long time with no, er, companionship. You know what I mean. Have you been lonely, is there anything that you really miss? Something that all men need, and women, too. Something that it would be really nice to have right now." "Yes there is, " the man replied, as he moved closer to the woman and fixed a winsome gaze upon her. "Tell me ... Do you have an Internet connection?"    :)  ------------------------------------------------------------------ :)    An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"   :)  ------------------------------------------------------------------- :)   The Engineering Song This is the engineering song. If you're an engineer, you've probably heard some or all of these verses. However, if you know any that are not listed here, please e-mail them to me so I can update this page. Chorus We are, we are, we are, we are, we are the Engineers We can, we can, we can, we can demolish forty beers Drink rum, drink rum, drink rum, drink rum and come along with us For we don't give a damn for any damn man who don't give a damn for us Verses Godiva was a lady who through Coventry did ride, To show to all the villagers her lovely bare white hide; The most observant villager, an Engineer of course, Was the only one to notice that Godiva rode a horse. I've come a long, long way she said, and I will go as far, With the man who takes me from this horse and leads me to the bar. The men who took her from her steed and stood her to a beer, Were a bleary-eyed Surveyor and a drunken Engineer. A maiden and an Engineer were sitting in a park The Engineer was busy doing research after dark, His scientific method was a marvel to observe, While his right hand write the figures, his left hand traced the curves. My father was a miner in the northern Malamute My mother was a mistress in a house of ill repute The last time I saw the both these words rang in my ears Get out of here you Son of a Bitch and join the Engineers The army and the navy boys went out to have some fun Down to the local tavern where the fiery liquors run But all they found were empties for the Engineers had come And traded all their instruments for gallon kegs of rum An artsie and an Engineer found a gallon can Said the artsie match me drink for drink and see if you're a man They took three drinks, the artsie fell, his face was turning green But the Engineer drank on and said "It's only gasoline" Caesar set out for Egypt at the age of fifty-three He hung about with Cleopatra whose heart was young and free And every time that Caesar said "goodnight" at three o'clock There was a roman Engineer waiting just around the block On reading Kama Sutra, a man learned position nine For proving masculinity it surely was divine But then one night the girl rebelled and kicked him on his rear For he was a feeble artsie and she was an Engineer Venus is a statue made entirely of stone She didn't wear a fig leaf she's as naked as a bone On noticing her arms were gone an Engineer discoursed The damn thing's busted concrete and should'a been reinforced My uncle is a lunatic who lives on the dole My sister was a prostitute but now she's on parole My brother owns a restaurant with bedrooms in the rear But none of them will talk to me 'cause I'm an Engineer Godiva was a lady of that there is no doubt She didn't wear a stitch of clothes just wrapped her hair about The Engineers treated her with respect to say the least But on just three beers an artsie queer mounted Godiva's beast   So now you've heard our story and you know were Engineers We love to love our women (men) and we love to drink our beers So come and have a sip with us we'll drink to anyone from far and near Cause we're a helluva helluva helluva helluva helluvan ENGINEER Verses I happened once upon a girl whose eyes were full of fire. Her physical endowments would have made your hands perspire. To my surprise she told me that she never had been kissed, Her boyfriend was a tired Engineering Physicist.   :)  ------------------------------------------------------------------- :) You may be an engineer ... ·         If you introduce your wife as "mylady@home.wife" or husband as "myman@tv.hubby" ·         If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner. ·         If you want an 8X CD-ROM for Christmas. ·         If Dilbert is your hero. ·         If you can name six Star Trek episodes. ·         If the only jokes you receive are through e-mail. ·         If your wristwatch has more computing power than a 486DX-50. ·         If you look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys. ·         If you use a CAD package to design your child's Pine Wood Derby car. ·         If you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts. ·         If, at Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string. ·         If you window-shop at Radio Shack. ·         If your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies. ·         If you have Dilbert comics displayed anywhere in your work area. ·         If you carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of a test that actually takes five minutes to run. ·         If you are convinced you can build a phaser out of your garage-door opener and your camera's flash attachment. ·         If you don't even know where the cover to your personal computer is. ·         If you have modified your can opener to be microprocessor-driven. ·         If you know the direction the water swirls when you flush. ·         If you have ever taken the back off of your TV just to see what's inside. ·         If a team of you and your co-workers has set out to modify the antenna of the radio in your work area for better reception. ·         If you ever burned down the gymnasium with your Science Fair project. ·         If you own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts. ·         If you have never backed up your hard drive. ·         If you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance. ·         If you have ever purchased an electronic appliance "as is." ·         If you see a good design and still have to change it. ·         If the salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions. ·         If the thought that a CD could refer to finance or music never enters your mind. ·         If you own a set of itty-bitty screw drivers but you don't remember where they are. ·         If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires. ·         If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal. ·         If you have more toys than your kids. ·         If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name. ·         If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work. ·         If your IQ is bigger than your weight. ·         If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush up to the front to fix them. ·         If you can remember seven computer passwords but not your anniversary. ·         If you have memorized the program schedule for the Discovery channel and have seen most of the shows already. ·         If you have ever owned a calculator with no equal key and know what RPN stands for. ·         If your father sat 2 inches in front of your family's first color TV with a magnifying lens to see how they made the colors, and you grew up thinking that was normal. ·         If you know how to take the cover off of your computer and what size screw driver to use. ·         If you can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting. ·         If people groan at the party when you pick out the music. ·         If you did the sound system for your senior prom. ·         If your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone. ·         If you have more friends on the Internet than in real life. ·         If you thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission controllers. ·         If you spend more on your home or laptop computer than your car. ·         If you know what http:// stands for. ·         If you know C. ·         If you've ever tried to repair a $5 radio. ·         If your three-year-old child asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory. ·         If your four basic food groups are: l. caffeine; 2. fat; 3. sugar; 4.chocolate. ·         If you can understand sentences with four or more acronyms in them. ·         If you have automated everything in your house, but none of it meets the National Electrical Code. ·         If you have ever tried to network your home PC, microwave oven and garage-door opener. ·         If your spouse keeps tripping over the wire you strung -- temporarily -- three years ago. ·         If, at a traffic intersection, you try to figure out the synchronization pattern between your car's blinkers or wipers and the others'. ·         If you can name all the cards in your PC without looking. ·         If you can cite the latest Intel or Motorola microprocessor generation number such as 80686 or 68060, but can't remember your spouse's birthday. ·         If you are better with a Karnaugh map than you are with a street map. ·         If you have at least one historical computer in your closet. ·         If you take along a printout of the schedule of your family vacation. ·         If you always have to explain things by drawing it out on paper or a napkin. ·         If your computer is down, you don't know what date is it today and miss all meetings too. ·         If you read through this list completely ... and try to convince yourself not to agree with at least one of them. ·         If you make a hard copy of this list, and post it on your door.   :)  ------------------------------------------------------------------ :)   What you will learn in Engineering ·         You can study hard and still fail ·         You can not study and pass ·         Multiple choice does not mean easy ·         There are no trains here ·         Six exams can be written in 4 days, but it hurts ·         You can skip all the classes, study for 15 minutes before the final and still do better than an arts student in any arts class ·         Pi to six decimal places ·         Judging by my fellow students, engineers are either drunks or geeks ·         Everyone is someone else's weirdo ·         Front Row people are weird ·         Those who can, do, those who can't, teach ·         A 95.75% can be an A ·         An 80.1% can be an A+ ·         You can kill your neighbors with a 9 volt battery ·         You NEED an HP   :)  ------------------------------------------------------------------- :)   Psalm to an Engineer's Sweetheart Verily, I say unto ye, marry not an engineer. For an engineer is a strange being and possessed of many evils. Yea, he speaketh always in parables which he calleth formulae. He wieldeth a big stick which he calleth a slide rule. And he hath only one bible, a handbook. He thinketh only of strains and stresses, and without end of thermodynamics. He showeth always a serious aspect and seemeth not to know how to smile. He picketh his seat in a car by the springs thereof and not by the damsels. Neither does he know a waterfall except by its horsepower, Nor a sunset except that he must turn on the light, Nor a damsel except by her weight. Always he carrieth his books with him, and he entertaineth his sweetheart with steam tables. Verily, though his damsel expecteth chocolates when he calleth, She openeth the package to discover samples of iron ore. Yea, he holdeth her hand but to measure the friction thereof, and kisseth her only to test the viscosity of her lips, for in his eyes shineth a far away look that is neither love nor longing, but a vain attempt to recall formulae. Even as a boy, he pulleth a girl's hair but to test its elasticity. But as a man, he deviseth different devices. For he counteth the vibrations of her heartstrings And seeketh ever to pursue his scientific investigations. Even his own heart flutterings he counteth as a measure of fluctuation. And his marriage is but a simultaneous equation involving two unknowns. And yielding diverse results. Verily, I say unto ye, do not marry an engineer.   :)  ------------------------------------------------------------------ :)   Top Ten Reasons to Date an Engineer 1.      Complimentary Tutoring 2.      Large Earning Potential 3.      Can handle stress and strain in relationships 4.      Know all the dynamics of relative motion 5.      Learn about the benefits of friction and viscosity 6.      FREE body diagrams 7.      Always back up their hard drives 8.      Trained to do it right the first time 9.      Specialized in experimentation 10.     Can go all night with no hint of fatigue  :)  -------------------------------------------------------------- :) Public execution Scene: public executions by guillotine Three condemned people are to be executed via the guillotine... First condemned person steps up, a minister. Switch is pulled. Blade doesn't come down. Minister cries out: "God knows I am innocent!" He's pardoned. Second condemned person is a revolutionary agitator. Switch is pulled. Blade doesn't come down. Guy cries out: "The revolution cannot be stopped!" He's pardoned. Third condemned is an engineer. Same deal. He looks up, points up, says, "I think your problem is that the cable is binding right here..."   :)  ------------------------------------------------------------------- :) It seems 3 guys were traveling in a car together, an industrial quality control expert, a hardware engineer, and a software engineer. As they were going down a VERY steep hill, they realized the brakes were out and they faced certain death. The QC expert said, "no problem, we'll put together a work group, study the problem, make a fishbone diagram and come up with suggestions about how to solve this problem." The hardware engineerr said, "That'll take too much time, we'll DIE!! I think I can dismantle the ignition system, find out the problem and cross wire the brake system so we can stop the car." The software engineerr just said, "What's the big deal? Instead of getting upset, why don't we just push the car back up the hill and see if if happens again?"   :)  ------------------------------------------------------------------- :)   A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Departmental Manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do? "I know", said the Departmental Manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way." "No, no", said the Hardware Engineer, "That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way."   :)  ------------------------------------------------------------------- :)   The architect, the artist and the engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or the mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said "I like both". "Both?" The engineer replied, "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will both assume you are spending time with the other woman. Then you can get into the lab and do something really important."   :)  ------------------------------------------------------------------- :)   An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation. The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with "How much is two plus two?" The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, "Four." The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced "Four." The lawyer was interviewed last, and was asked the same questions. At the end of his interview, before answering the last question, he drew all the shades in the room, looked outside the door to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and asked "How much do you want it to be?   :)  ------------------------------------------------------------------- :) Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?" The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $75,000 a year, depending on the benefit's package." The HR Person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?" The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow!!! Are you kidding?" And the HR Person said, "Of course, ...but you started it."   :)  ------------------------------------------------------------------- :)   TM of CIA -- True Meanings of Computer Industry Acronyms AOL: Almost On-Line Apple: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity ACRONYM: A Completely Random Order Never Yields Meaning Basic: Bill's (Gates) Attempt to Seize Industry Control CD-ROM: Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months DEC: Do Expect Cuts DOS: Defunct Operating System IBM: I Blame Microsoft ISDN: It Still Does Nothing Macintosh: Most Applications Crash, If Not, The Operating System Hangs   M.C.S.E.: Must Call Someone Else MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms PENTIUM: Produces Erroneous Numbers Thru Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics SCSI: System Can't See It WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System WWW: World Wide Wait   :)  ------------------------------------------------------------------- :)   A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The boy said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."   :)  ------------------------------------------------------------------- :) Charles Proteus Steinmetz, an electrical engineer whose genius lived up to his middle name, worked at General Electric for many years. One morning he arrived at his office to find there had been a change in policy overnight. On his desk, someone had posted a tidy cardboard sign saying, "No Smoking." Steinmetz took out his pen, re-lettered the sign so that it now read, "No Smoking --- No Steinmetz," and departed. The policy was changed. One day a whole roomful of General Electric's most expensive machinery went out of order. By this time Steinmetz had retired, but the company's baffled engineers called him back as a consultant. Steinmetz ambled from machine to machine, taking a measurement here, scribbling something in his notebook there. After about an hour, he took out a large piece of chalk and marked a large 'X' on the casing of one machine. Workers pried off the casing and found the problem at once. But when the company executives got Steinmetz's bill for $10,000, they were reluctant to pay it. "This seems a bit excessive for one chalk mark," Steinmetz was told. "Perhaps you'd better itemize your charges." Within a few days, they received the following itemized bill: Making one chalk mark $1.00 Knowing where to make one chalk mark $9,999.00   :)  ------------------------------------------------------------------- :) Live form There was a physicist and an engineer working on a top secret time travel project. Suddenly, there was a flash of light and there before them was a very beautiful female life form. She said to the men "I have been without companionship for many years, if you can reach me, you can do with me as you wish" " However, because of the time field, every time you move towards me you will go only half that distance" The engineer then looked at the physicist and noticed he was very sad. "Whats the matter with you, this is the opportunity of a lifetime !!" The physicist replied "Don't you see, if I go only half the distance each time, I will never actually get there ! It's a hopeless situation" The physicist then asked the engineer "Why are you smiling ?" The engineer grinned and said "That's true, ... but I'll be close enough to get the job done !"   :)  -------------------------------------------------------------------- :) Quote "Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning." -- Rich Cook   :)  ------------------------------------------------------------------- :) YOU MIGHT BE AN ENGINEERING MAJOR... ·         if you have no life - and you can PROVE it mathematically. ·         if you know vector calculus but you can't remember how to do long division. ·         if you've actually used every single function on your graphing calculator. ·         if it is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are working on a computer. ·         if you know how to integrate a chicken and can take the derivative of water. ·         if you think in "math." ·         if you have a pet named after a scientist. ·         if you laugh at jokes about mathematicians. ·         if the Humane society has you arrested because you actually performed the Schrodinger's Cat experiment. ·         if you can translate English into Binary. ·         if you can't remember what's behind the door in the science building which says "Exit." ·         If you are completely addicted to caffeine. ·         if you consider ANY non-science course "easy." ·         if when your professor asks you where your homework is, you claim to have accidentally determined its momentum so precisely, that according to Heisenberg it could be anywhere in the universe. ·         if the "fun" center of your brain has deteriorated from lack of use. ·         if you'll assume that a "horse" is a "sphere" in order to make the math easier. ·         if you understood more than five of these indicators. ·         if you make a hard copy of this list, and post it on your door.   :)  ------------------------------------------------------------------- :)   An engineer, a physicist and a mathematicians have to build a fence around a flock of sheep, using as little material as possible. The engineer forms the flock into a circular shape and constructs a fence around it. The physicist builds a fence with an infinite diameter and pulls it together until it fits around the flock. The mathematicians thinks for a while, then builds a fence around himself and defines himself as being outside.   :)  ------------------------------------------------------------------- :) A physician, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the world. The physician remarked, "Well, in the Bible, it says that God created Eve from a rib taken out of Adam. This clearly required surgery, and so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest profession in the world." The civil engineer interrupted, and said, "But even earlier in the book of Genesis, it states that God created the order of the heavens and the earth from out of the chaos. This was the first and certainly the most spectacular application of civil engineering. Therefore, fair doctor, you are wrong: mine is the oldest profession in the world." The computer scientist leaned back in her chair, smiled, and then said confidently, "Ah, but who do you think created the chaos?"   :)  ------------------------------------------------------------------- :) What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.   :)  ------------------------------------------------------------------ :) Half Full or Half Empty? To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half- empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.   :)  ------------------------------------------------------------------- :) More Differences The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"   :)  ------------------------------------------------------------------- :)   Engineering is an exact science How space shuttles got that way or why engineering is an exact science: The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and the US railroads were built by English expatriates. Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used. Why did "they" use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing. Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts. So who built those old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in Europe (and England) were built by Imperial Rome for their legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts in the roads? The initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels, were first formed by Roman war chariots. Since the chariots were made for (or by) Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original specification for an Imperial Roman war chariot. Specifications and bureaucracies live forever. So the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's ass came up with it, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses. Thus, we have the answer to the original question. Now the twist to the story ... There's an interesting extension to the story about railroad gauges and horse's behinds. When we see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs might have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory had to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track is about as wide as two horses' behinds. So, the major design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a Horse's Ass!   :)  ------------------------------------------------------------------- :)   Dilbert's "Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and scientists can never earn as much as business executives, sales people, accountants and especially liberal arts majors." This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two well known postulates: Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power. Postulate 2: Time is Money. As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time. Since: Knowledge = Power, then Knowledge = Work / Time, and Time = Money, then Knowledge = Work / Money. Solving for Money, we get: Money = Work / Knowledge. Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.   :)  ------------------------------------------------------------------- :)   Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered." The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order." The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded." The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless spineless, gutless, and their heads and their ass are interchangeable." The fifth surgeon says "I like engineers . They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end."   :)  ------------------------------------------------------------------ :)   A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning at the third tee (par 3, 185 yards, slight dog leg to left, water hazard on the right) while a particularly slow group of golfers were flailing away ahead of them. Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes! Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude! Priest: Hey, here comes the green keeper. Let's have a word with him. Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they? George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge! Doctor: Wow! Thanks for the scoop George. Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight. Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them. After a short pause ... Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?   :)  ------------------------------------------------------------------- :)   Real Engineers... Real Engineers consider themselves well dressed if their socks match Real Engineers buy their spouses a set of matched screw- drivers for their birthday. Real Engineers wear moustaches or beards for "efficiency". Not because they're lazy. Real engineers have a non-technical vocabulary of 800 words. Real Engineers think a "biting wit" is their fox terrier. Real Engineers know the second law of thermodynamics - but not their own shirt size. Real Engineers repair their own cameras, telephones, televisions, watches, and automatic transmissions. Real Engineers say "It's 70 degrees Fahrenheit, 25 degrees Celius, and 298 degrees Kelvin" and all you say is "Isn't it a nice day" Real Engineers give you the feeling you're having a conversation with a dial tone or busy signal. Real Engineers wear badges so they don't forget who they are. Sometimes a note is attached saying "Don't offer me a ride today. I drove my own car". Real Engineers' politics run towards acquiring a parking space with their name on it and an office with a window. Real Engineers know the "ABC's of Infrared" from A to B. Real Engineers rotate their tires for laughs. Real Engineers will make four sets of drawings (with seven revisions) before making a bird bath. Real Engineers' briefcases contain a Philips screwdriver, a copy of "Quantum Physics", and a half of a peanut butter sandwich. Real Engineers don't find the above at all funny.   :)  ------------------------------------------------------------------ :)   There are four engineers traveling in a car; a mechanical engineer, a chemical engineer, an electrical engineer and a Microsoft Windows computer engineer. The car breaks down. "Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again", says the mechanical engineer. "Well", says the chemical engineer, "it sounded to me as if the fuel might be contaminated. I think we should clear out the fuel system." "I thought it might be a grounding problem", says the electrical engineer, "or maybe a faulty plug lead." They all turn to the Computer Engineer who has said nothing and say, "Well, what do you think?" "Ummm - perhaps if we all get out of the car andd get back in again?" says the computer engineer.   :)  ------------------------------------------------------------------- :) An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the office and get some work done."    :)  ---------------------------------------------------------------- :)   YOU MAY BE AN ENGINEER IF... If you stare at an orange juice container because it says CONCENTRATE If your wrist watch has more computing power than a 486DX-50 If you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie If you can name 6 Star Trek episodes If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner If your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal point in the right place If you look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids'toys If you use a CAD package to design your son's Pine Wood Derby car If you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts If you window shop at Radio Shack If your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies If you are convinced you can build a phaser out of your garage door opener and your camera's flash attachment If you don't even know where the cover to your personal computer is If you have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven If you know the direction the water swirls when you flush If you own "Official Star Trek" anything If you ever burned down the gymnasium with your Science Fair project If you are currently gathering the components to build your own nuclear reactor If you own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts If you truly believe aliens are living among us If you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance (oh-oh). If you still own a slide rule and you know how to work it If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal If you have more toys than your kids If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush up to the front to fix it If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary If you have memorized the program schedule for the Discovery channel and have seen most of the shows already If you can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting (BIG OH-Oh! ) If people groan at the party when you pick out the music If you can't remember where you parked your car for the 3rd time this week. If you did the sound system for your senior prom If your checkbook always balances If your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone If you have more friends on the Internet than in real life If you thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission controllers If you think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep If you spend more on your home computer than your car If you know what http:/ stands for If you've ever tried to repair a 5.00 radio If you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage If your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory If your 4 basic food groups are: 1. Caffeine 2. Fat 3. Sugar 4. Chocolate (or Chinese, pizza, beer, salt substrates - jg)   :)  ------------------------------------------------------------------- :) A Geologist and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The Geologist leans over to the Engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The Geologist persists and explains that the game is real easy and a lotta fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5." Again, the Engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep. The Geologist now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $50!" This catches the Engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. The Geologist asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the moon?" The Engineer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the Geologist. Now, it's the Engineer's turn. He asks the Geologist, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?" The Geologist looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers -- all to no avail. After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $50. The Engineer politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The Geologist is more than a little miffed, shakes the Engineer and asks, "Well, so what's the answer?" Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the Geologist $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.   :)  ------------------------------------------------------------------- :)   Top 20 Engineers' Terminologies   1. A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED - We are still pissing in the wind. 2. EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM We just hired three kids fresh out of college. 3. CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION - We know who to blame. 4. MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH - It works OK, but looks very hi-tech. 5. CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED - We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered. 6. PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE - The darn thing blew >up when we threw the switch. 7. TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING - We are so surprised that the stupid thing works. 8. THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED - The only person who understood the thing quit. 9. IT IS IN THE PROCESS - It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless. 10. WE WILL LOOK INTO IT - Forget it! We have enough problems for now. 11. PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL - Let's spread the responsibility for the screw up. 12. GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING - We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already done. 13. GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION - I can't wait to hear this bull! 14. SEE ME or LET'S DISCUSS - Come into my office, I'm lonely. 15. ALL NEW - Parts not interchangeable with the previous design. 16. RUGGED - Too damn heavy to lift! 17. LIGHTWEIGHT - Lighter than RUGGED. 18. YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - One finally worked. 19. ENERGY SAVING - Achieved when the power switch is off. 20. LOW MAINTENANCE - Impossible to fix if broken.